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Five years ago, God steered John and I from one ministry to another.  When I say “steered” I mean, He closed doors on a situation where we had been working to move us somewhere else.  It was a painful time as I deeply loved the people we were serving alongside, had poured a lot of energy into the work, and, honestly , I had never experienced that kind of door-closing in a church situation.  I felt very alone, empty, like dry bones, and sunk into a depression, the opposite of my true nature.  Tears came easy and often.

When I read the New Testament, there are many situations where God closed doors on people as He directed His work.  Partnerships went separate ways, the Spirit didn’t allow work into certain regions for a time, persecution tore communities away from each other.  All of these were beyond human understanding.  In the end, God worked in all areas as He willed and desired for His reasons which are higher than ours, and the gospel and His Kingdom spread.  I view our experience in this light knowing now God had to close some doors on us because of how He wanted to direct His work.

We decided to visit a new church just five minutes down the street from where we lived.  It was a new beginning for us.  We didn’t know anyone at the church except the youth minister who also worked with John and had met with John to pray every Monday in the two years since we moved to Pittsburg, Kansas from Texas.   Our sons were approaching “youth group” age, so we thought it would be good to give that program a try.  We started attending the church weekly and began to connect with new friends mainly through activities with our children and through an invitation to a small group gathering.  The people started opening their lives and hearts to us, and we simply walked in falling deeper in love with them.  We began living life beside them.  Energy that had been pent up inside us during our dry season was released, and we served wholeheartedly using gifts God had given, and it was sweet.  Cup-filling.

Our home became the meeting place for a women’s Bible study group on Wednesday mornings, and the men likewise came on Wednesday evenings for a study/accountability group John helped teach because space was running out at our church building and hey!, we lived just five minutes away (hmmm, convenient.  God, you did that, right?!).  The two groups were sacred, and I loved everything about hosting them.  Yes, even the cleaning.  Every Wednesday for years I lit candles, made coffee, organized curriculum for the women to study, baked a treat for the men, arranged chairs, and created an environment.  I was working in my zone!  I deeply believed in the importance of coming together in a safe place to point one another to the Word, to Christ, to life.  I loved showing my boys that THIS is what you do:  you gather and become family with the body of Christ.  It was all life to me…….full overflowing life.  

I’m reflecting on that empty-to-full journey today because yesterday I found myself again feeling like a sack of dry bones with tears flowing easy.  God abruptly closed the door on that season almost nine months ago…….so abrupt that we didn’t even have a chance to say good-bye to half our friends who are like family……, and the new door has not opened yet.  We are being held in a waiting place, and while it is most uncomfortable, thanksgiving abounds for God’s hand is evident and good.  I don’t have any idea what our future will look like, but I know God is waiting for the perfect time to open our new door……

…..and we will walk through……

….and life will come again…. 

because our God is all about life coming again.  

John 10:10

  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life,and have it to the full.

Isaiah 43:19 

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Truth

One beautiful sunny morning last summer, I sat with Jayton, our youngest son, and studied with him the verse John wanted him to memorize:

^“ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”      PHILIPPIANS 4:6

We broke the verse down word by word, phrase by phrase, until it could roll off our tongues without forgetting anything, especially the injected “with thanksgiving” in the middle.

“Jayton, do you know what all this means?  It means you are not supposed to worry about anything!  Nothing!  We just give whatever is concerning us to God, and He will take care of it.  Oh!  And we need to be thankful while we do this.  See?  Isn’t that great?!  Now, time for you to just skip on along, love the warm sunshine, and listen to sweet birds singing.  Let’s just be happy because all of this is just beautiful and great and joyful and worthy of song!!

 See……it’s all good!

Three hours later John walked in the house from work explaining his department was dissolved, and we were now without a job.  ”The Sword” I had held in my hand with Jayton suddenly had a different weight.  Heavy.  I looked at the words of Philippians 4:6 again, but they had not changed.  They were still just as we had memorized.  The only thing different now was my perception of this “sword”.

Sometimes my mind drifts back to that morning with Jayton and how the Lord had me meditate on the verse, but I was thinking about it in terms of Jayton’s young 11 year old life, not my about-to-be-turned-upside-down mid-life!  I had been the one teaching young Jayton, right?  It has dawned on me the lesson was actually aimed right at me. (Isn’t that the way it goes in parenting?)

In this long journey I’ve been walking, the decision I’ve had to make time and time again is this:  Is this “sword”….the Truth…..the Word of God…..in my hand all it says it is and how hard am I going to sling it?  Am I going to believe its every word or not?  How big is this sword that has been placed in my hand?

I’ve decided to take it for all it says.  I mean, poking my troubles with the equivalent of a butter knife just hasn’t cut it (love the pun?).  I need a sword that will slay lies and destroy them in one swing.  I need a sword whose blade is brilliant and catches and throws light as it moves.  I need a sword that will guard my heart and mind and not just protect my life but also GIVE me life.

What is your perception of your sword?

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Philippians 4:6-7

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Ephesians 6:16-17

¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit,which is the word of God.

Truth

My name-tag from the Blissdom Conference

“Hmm….Painting Truth”, co-attendees would read.  “Oh!  You are a painter.”

“Well, yes.  Well, I mean…. I was.  That is what I originally planned to do,  but now I write.  I write about everyday happenings and want to paint life with truth, that is the Word.”

Two and a half years ago I sat by a summer pool while my boys swam knowing God was saying it was time I turned my artwork of painted scriptures into more of a business.  Websites were researched (an artist needs a website, right?).  I learned a blog was the suggested tool as it allowed for personality to be injected instilling more meaning behind the work.  I had never given thought to having a blog (I barely knew what they were), but I was good with this idea as I was certain I was being led in this direction, and I was beginning to have this crazy new desire to write.

It was painstaking choosing a blog name which made me feel simply like a dork.  I imagined no one else struggled over such mundane issues.  I mean, what is the big deal, right?  Just pick a name and go with it!  But that wasn’t the case for me.  I prayed and prayed over it.  The domain ideas I came up with were often already taken only adding to my frustration.  Picking a name was most definitely not a first-world problem, but was an issue to me nonetheless.

One evening as I was in the middle of trying to prepare dinner for the family and thinking about anything but art, the name “Painting Truth” was suddenly given to me.  I dropped a spoon I was using mid-stir and immediately ran to the computer to see if the domain name was available.  As you can see, it was, and I grabbed it.

I painted and began writing, and slowly a new twist crept into play:  painting was frustrating the tar out of me.  Shipping issues caused me to use different materials than I enjoy.  I tried to create using a variety of forms attempting to fix that problem, but nothing felt right with me.  One thing or another irritated me on every single project I tried.  I threw away a lot of work and began dreading pulling out all the paints.  I didn’t like the process at all and could not see continuing long term.  My passion for painting was lessening, yet a love for writing was growing.  This scared me because I had never thought of writing, and I stressed and struggled over the new direction I was beginning to see.  I remember hopping on my bike one day, furiously peddling through my thoughts, and praying out loud  “Lord, What. In. The. World. Are. You. Doing?!?!?!  Am I getting off on a tangent I don’t need to be venturing?  You led me to this work.  I am certain you did…..even giving me a name,,,,,, but writing??  This is NOT what I was picturing!  Please keep my way straight and make clear what you desire.”.  

Now I know often God uses one thing not always as an end, but sometimes as a means.  He used painting to get me online, something I likely never would have done otherwise.  Did God pull a surprise attack on me?  Surprise? Yes.  Attack?  No, not in a negative sense.  He had gone before me preparing my heart, creating and growing desires.  It is one of the ways He leads as you find your delight in Him.  I was……(OK, I still totally am) intimidated, but He has readied me.  I have much to learn about the craft of writing, but I’m trying to walk in obedience knowing I don’t have to be an expert or know exactly where the Lord is going with a work.  He just wants me to trust and follow Him and do the thing He has put in front of me today.

What about you?  Has God used one thing to steer you another direction?  He is adventure, isn’t He?

Ephesians 2:10

The bathroom at the restaurant had been too crowded to use, so it was the first place I ran to at the next stop on my agenda: Target.

Whew! Relief.

But as I washed my hands, a lady looking somewhat pregnant exited the stall next to me trying to conceal tears streaming down her face. Ugh. Was she OK? I followed her out and noticed she had a concerned and loving man waiting for her. I was thankful she was cared for, decided I didn’t need to intrude, and went on about my business. Target was such a happy place with all their spring colors in full bloom, but it broke my heart having seen someone hurting pressing through the basic mundane and forced cheerfulness.

The lady had found a bench in a corner of the store to rest, and once again, I crossed her path as I turned onto a facing aisle. I couldn’t stand it. I had to say something. She had been heavy on my mind.

“Hello. I’m Abby. I just want you to know  I see you, and I’m sorry you are hurting. What is your name?”.

” I’m Melody. I just had a baby yesterday. The pain medicine is wearing off, and I hurt.”

The man shopping with her came up just then looking frazzled and trying his best to be helpful. He had a basket full of this and that, but nothing meant for a baby.

Where was the baby? Yesterday? She had a baby yesterday? The question wasn’t mine to ask, but could she be hurting over more than just the absence of pain medicine? I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but something didn’t seem right to me.

“Melody, I want you to know I’m thinking of you and will be praying over you this day.”

I often think of her, wonder about her story, and talk through in my head what I wished I had said to her. I wish I had locked eyes with her and told her it wasn’t just me who had seen her, but most importantly God sees her and knows all about her and loves her more than she could ever imagine. God wants to hold her…….heal her.

I went into Target for a belt, but came out with a name. I’ll probably never see her again and will never know anything about her life. But I do know that God has given me “Melody” and has pricked me over and over again now for weeks to pray for her, lifting her up to Him. She is His child, and He is pursuing her using even absolute strangers. That’s love.

Melody……your name belongs to song. May you know even this day how much you are loved. May you hear the Lord singing over you, and if He is not already, I pray the Lord becomes the song of your life.

And maybe…..one day…….I’ll get to see you again. Until then……..

Genesis 16:13

….“You are the God who sees me,”….

Zephaniah 3:17

¹⁷ The Lord your God is with you,    the Mighty Warrior who saves.  He will take great delight in you;    in his love he will no longer rebuke you,    but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Truth

I want to live this season of my life well.  I want to be daily strong trusting in God’s faithfulness, bubbling with joy in the face of trial, and walking unwavering in peace that passes understanding.  Don’t I carry with me volumes of stories of how God has proven himself to me time and time again?  Haven’t I seen glory in all His ways?  Oh yes!  I feel my jaw lift and set and my back straighten tall.  I want to walk this story strong!

But as strong as I want to be, the times have come when my back has instead rounded putting me in fetal position instead of tall.  Words have run dry replacing eloquence with whispered sputterings choking out one word at a time.

Weak.  Bare.  Raw.

I look outside and see a tree that must feel like I do……branches bare and exposed.  The phrase, “It is what it is!” rings in my head.  Actually, I’ve always had a thing for tree branches whether they display life or not.  I think they are beautiful.  I stand at the window and study the January forms.  I take a look at myself again now realizing my raw bare weakness may display another kind of beauty and a different kind of strength.  “I am what I am!” rings back at me declaring my nothingness……..without God.  This is right.  This is truth.  This is beauty.

I am not the picture of strength in that fetal curled ball, but somehow there is peace that my heart is right where it is supposed to be.  Seasons are created and allowed to lay bare and feel weakness.  If I don’t grasp my full weakness, will I understand the magnitude of His strength?  I need to know this gulf…….not for my despair, but for His majesty.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  II Corinthians 12:9  

Relief is exhaled and joy inhaled.  My story will be lived strong, but not because of anything of me for “I am what I am”, but the one I belong to is  “The Great I AM.”  Glory!

Isaiah 40:29

The time on the clock said I needed to be going to sleep.  My body lay in position for rest, but my mind was not cooperating.  While my head was on the pillow, my mind was up and running around bumping into wall after wall and making all kinds of noise.  Each thought was like a pinball launched and then knocked to and fro as it hit this angle and then the next.  I could have racked up a large score in this pinball game if I could have just found the answers…..a score that would have allowed me to drift off to sleep…….but answers were not for me to know.  My thoughts concerned people I love,  hard situations, heart heaviness.  They were all too much for me……all. too. much.

“My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer, by night, but I find no rest.”   Psalm 22:2

It is all in His hands.

So one by one, I call out of darkness my list……no explanatory ramblings……..just one word that says it all.  It is given to the Lord, who sits on His throne.

“(so-and-so)“, I speak. “Lord, you are on your throne.”

“_______” (another thought).  “Lord, you are on your throne.”

“_______” (and yet another). “Lord, you are on your throne.”

………”Lord, you are on your throne.”

That’s the last thing I remember before waking the next day.

The night this first happened was several years ago, and the thoughts called out did end in incredible stories.  Not all were answers I wanted, but all have His glorious hand all over them, and truly are higher than my ways.   My mind periodically tries this same racing stunt, and I remember this night of declaring God on his throne and how rest is given.

Lord, you are sitting on your throne.  Praise you!

Psalm 62:5

Psalm 47:8

Favorite new habit: Low Carb Living
Favorite new recipe: peanut butter protein balls
Favorite song: The Great I AM
Favorite book: Love Does by Bob Goff
Favorite podcasts: Andy Stanley, Robert Morris, David McQueen
Favorite new app: Flipboard (for reading blogs)
Favorite blogs of the year:
Holly Mathis Interiors
Shannon Berrey Designs
Emily A. Clark
The Nesting Place
Lisa Leonard Designs
Life in Grace
A Holy Experience
Chatting at the Sky
Today’s Letters
Storyline (Donald Miller)
The Story Place (bff’s new venture!)
Jeff Goins (on writing)

Pulls on my heart in 2012:
Walking with hurting friends
Sudden move from people who have been our family in Pittsburg, Kansas
Worldly securities taken away
Moving away from a best friend and mentor
Continuing the letting go process of my sons becoming men
A long incomplete transition
My family living apart…seeing John on the weekends.

Joys in 2012:
Trip to Tulsa to connect with childhood friends and dear ones who helped my parents raise me.
Slipping out of comfort zone and attending first writer’s conference in Nashville.
Hosting a womens’ Bible study group on Wednesday mornings
Hosting a mens’ Bible study group on Wednesday evenings
Celebrating Passover with dear family friends.
An Easter weekend with the family in Kansas City and praying at International House of Prayer.
Jax’s 8th grade graduation speech and witnessing his bold faith.
Celebrating the 50th anniversary of my in-laws (in-loves).
Family talk times around fire pits and park benches
Watching Lord of the Rings trilogy with sons preparing for release of The Hobbit.
Family trip to Boston
Family worship the night John was laid off from work
As a family walking by faith and not by sight
Moving back to Texas
Fresh reliance on the Lord
New job for John and time away with him before he began.
Time with our parents and siblings (living with our parents)
Generous love of family.
Sons continuing to grow in God and sharing Him boldly with others
Opportunity to speak a blessing over friends in Pittsburg

Word of the year: Trust
The word God gave me to focus on this year has been “Trust” and rightly so. He has given me opportunity to trust in Him “with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.” (Proverb 3:5-6). It is a good and right place to be even though it is also uncomfortable as well. It is a gift given to perfect and cleanse me and set my heart and mind on what is truth…….His Word……..the ever fresh breath and bread that will forever give life.

Bless you as you remember what the Lord has done this year, and rejoice in fresh new beginnings and mercies.

“And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”. Ephesians 3:17-19